My Hat
Is off to You, Parents of Young Children!
by Lindsay Dunckel
Executive Director, First 5 Nevada County
I recently had the delight of taking care of my 5-year-old
nephew and 18-month-old niece for a week. While it’s true that I
once parented an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old, it’s also true that
was a decade ago. I would just like to go on the record with this statement:
Parenting young children is hard work! What’s amazing to me is how
our memory fades – I feel like I remember that time so well, but
when faced with the daily reality of taking care of little children, I
realized that it is a lot harder than I remembered! Maybe because as we
move forward, it gets easier and so it seemed not so hard at the time.
Maybe because we focus on the dramatic events and the milestones, the everyday
humdrum fades from our memories. Or maybe because we’re so darn tired
at the time that we just can’t remember right.
Whatever the reason for my forgetting, moving backward in time to take
care of younger children was humbling. Don’t get me wrong, we had
a great time. We made playdough, we cooked, we drew pictures, we went to
the fairgrounds and rode bikes, we read a lot of books, we built forts
and played make believe, we sang, we had great cousin time. I formed a
deep bond with my youngest family members that I am so thankful for. But
I was struck by the physical demands and the ceaselessness of the caregiving.
I began to think back on when my kids were little and what a support other
parents were to me. I think now this must be because they’re the
only ones who “got it” – who knew exactly what I was
going through. My relatives and friends with older children thought they
remembered, but I’m guessing they didn’t really remember. Turns
out I didn’t.
So hug your friends who have kids the same age as you and give them a
knowing smile. I can promise you this: it gets easier. Just don’t
forget to revel in the delights when they come, because it all goes by
so quickly.
Anger:
Transform Foe into Friend
by Tulum Dothee,
Oakhaven Montessori
Anger. The word itself elicits a response. What occurs in
your body as you think about anger? Does your heart beat faster? Is
adrenalin coursing through your veins? Are you more alert?
Anger is a loaded topic. It carries a lifetime of history for each
of us. Anger causes people to do things to each other, scary
things. It can cross lines, It is hard to contain. Anger
can lead to hurtful words. Like your child screaming “I hate
you!”
We are told anger is something bad, to be avoided. If
we were enlightened we wouldn’t get angry. Evolved people don’t
get angry. Ever.
Really?
Maybe it is simply a part of the whole that is us. Maybe we can
reframe anger. Maybe we can transform that energy into something
that serves us.
Experts tell us that anger is a secondary response. It covers up
fear, and hurt, and powerlessness. Anger feels powerful. Nothing
like an adrenalin surge to cover up painful feelings and propel us into
action. No wonder some of us get addicted to anger. We are
self administering shots of adrenalin.
Efforts to eradicate anger do not work. Disowning any piece of us
is wasted energy. Let’s focus our efforts on loving ourselves. Do
you love the child who is shouting “I hate you!” Can
you extend a smidgeon of that compassion to yourself?
Compassion provides the needed framework to reframe anger. It helps
us understand why. However there is cause for caution. Compassion
is not license. Because we love someone does not mean we give them permission
to treat us disrespectfully. Instead use that energy to set a boundary: “You
are welcome to feel your anger. You are unwelcome to say or do harm.”
What do we do with intense anger energy? Scream, pound a pillow,
run, work out, talk, sing, write, play. Sit with it and observe. Hand
it over to a higher power. Breathe. Observe sensations. Be
the space for the anger. Wait. Accept.
It doesn’t matter which path you take. Start where you are
comfortable and focus on the moment. Therein lies transformation.
Anger is a messenger. The next time it visits ask yourself:
- How do
I feel hurt?
- What is really bothering me?
- Where do I feel powerless?
- When do I feel afraid?
- Why does this problem recur?
Move through the anger to what lies beneath. Tell
yourself the truth. Name
it. Accept it. Make your peace with it. Welcome your
truths and move through them. The answer of what to do will emerge.
Use the energy in anger to achieve clarity.
- Who are we allowing
to step on us?
- What is no longer serving us?
- Where can we benefit from clearer
boundaries?
- When do we disregard our integrity?
- How are we treating ourselves
or others disrespectfully?
Use anger to motivate. Set boundaries on what is acceptable. Is
it OK to scream “I hate you!”? You decide. For
me the answer is no. We do not use anger to say or do harm. When
we mess up we apologize and make amends. That is our way. You
decide what is your way.
Accepting the whole of who we are is the path to peace. Make friends
with your anger. Listen to the message it brings. Use the
information to better your life. Transform negative into positive.
Do it for your family. Do it for yourself. Begin with you and your
children will follow. Get help as needed. Start today.
Want more mindful tips? Join us for a one day workshop, March 13
from 9:00 - 3:00 pm at Oakhaven. Visit http://www.oakhavenmontessori.com/asktulum.html or
call 271-1258 for info.
Tulum Dothee is a credentialed and certified educator and counselor,
with 30+ years experience teaching and working with families. For more
information visit her web site at www.oakhavenmontessori.com.
Kale Chips
Ingredients
- bunch of kale
- olive oil
- sea salt
Directions
Cut up the kale into potato chip sized
pieces. Toss in olive oil. Put pieces of kale on a cookie sheet. Sprinkle
with sea salt. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.
New baby: "I'm
resentful of my partner!"
by Gayle Peterson, LCSW, PhD
QUESTION: Since giving up my full time professional job to take care of
our new baby, I find that I am becoming increasingly jealous and resentful
of my husband. I am lonely at home, and resent the fact that he can drive
freely to work, socialize, go to lunch with co-workers, attend fancy business
dinners, business trips, etc. and not have to change a diaper in the middle
of the second course, or leave dinner because of a crying baby. Whenever
I try to talk to him about how I feel, he says that someone has to work,
and the things he does are work-related, not social outings. I know I should
be grateful for the opportunity to stay home and raise our daughter, but
the emotional side of me screams, "NO FAIR!" How can I get over
these feelings?
ANSWER: Your complaint about the nature of your different
roles in the family is a common one: My life has changed more than my spouse's.
You are right. It isn't fair! You do experience more immediate changes
in your daily life in caretaking your daughter, than your husband does.
Clearly you have chosen these roles at this time for a good reason, but
this does not mean that you can instantly adjust!
Consider the following suggestions for remaining connected with one another
through this major family transition.
1). Make room for feelings
Expressing feelings and being understood, comforted
and appreciated by your partner is part of the solution. Do not expect
yourself to simply get over these feelings. Instead, let your husband know
there are special and precious moments you enjoy (that he does not) and
that you are also lonely and lost in the enormity of the change in your
daily life. Like a teapot letting off steam, you need to release these
feelings in order to adapt. Let your husband know you are happy for the
decision the two of you have made for you to stay home with your child
and the financial role he plays in that decision is appreciated. But insist
that he allow you to complain, without taking it personally! You can help
by expressing your vulnerability rather than your resentments. Express
your feelings in a way that invites him to reach out to comfort you, rather
than pushes him away.
2) Reach out for comfort
Parenthood brings change to both of your lives.
One of the most important things you can do as a couple is to stay in touch
with your partner through the changes. Communicating in a way that can
result in comfort rather than blame is essential. In order to adjust to
this change you do indeed need your husband to appreciate and understand
what you are going through!
It is common to hide our needs in anger rather than express what it is
we need in a way that invites a connection with our spouse. When this occurs,
our spouses are likely to become defensive instead of comforting. When
you are feeling lonely, for example, consider saying, "I am feeling
lonely these days. Can I talk with you for a few minutes on the phone during
the day when I feel this way?" Rather than "It makes me so angry
that you are out having a good time with your colleagues at lunch, while
I am home with the baby!"
3) Let your spouse know what he can do to
help
It is your partner's job to listen to your feelings and be available
for comfort. Arrange to connect by phone or e-mail if you prefer, or both
during the day. It is true that you are the partner going through greater
change in your daily life, and you do need his special attention to this
fact. A few 10 minute breaks are not too much to ask and keeps the two
of you connected to one another's worlds. Ask him to create some emotional
availability for you during his day. Do your part by refraining from blaming
him for your feelings. But expect him to step up to the plate to be willing
to take time out of his day to connect with you, rather than turn you away!
Also
consider taking walks together in the evening to catch up and spend time
together. Find rituals that allow you to decompress from your days and
catch up not only on the events of the day, but on the feelings you are
experiencing in your changing roles.
Another important part of understanding
your changes is for your husband to experience primary responsibility for
caretaking his baby. Father-daughter time which leaves dad in charge of
baby's needs for an extended period of time, on a regular basis ensures
that a primary bond develops between dad and his baby. And it allows him
to experience some of the challenges you face in your day home with her.
Finally,
don't forget to reach out to other moms in your situation! Peer support
from others who know exactly how you feel will do wonders to help you through
this transition. These women can hear your resentment without taking it
personally. Sharing feelings with other moms who have made a similar decision
will definitely resolve some of your loneliness.
Your feelings are as natural
as the weather. Find productive ways to express yourself and seek comfort
and understanding from your husband through this period. Like snow in sunshine,
resentments will inevitably melt with the warmth of human connection!
Gayle Peterson, LCSW, PhD practices in Nevada City. She is a member of
BEPE (Birth and Early Parenting Educators). She can be reached for appointments
at (530) 346-2534. Visit her web site: www.MakingHealthyFamilies.com for
information and discussing this topic on Dr. Gayle’s facebook page
for empowering parents. |
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March
Events
March 4-14
The Mikado
The Nevada County Performing Arts Guild (PAG) presents The Mikado. Thursday,
March 4th @ 7 p.m.,
Friday, March 5th @ 7 p.m., Saturday, March 6th @ 2 p.m., Sunday, March
7th @ 2 p.m., Friday, March 12th @ 7 p.m., Saturday, March 13th @ 2 p.m.,
Sunday, March 14th @ 2 p.m. The Center for the Arts – 314 W. Main St. ,
Grass Valley. Tickets: Adults: $8/Advance, $12/Door – Children: 12 & under:
$4/Advance, $5/Door - Students & Seniors: $5/Advance, $6/Door. Advance
tickets are on sale at The Book Seller, The Record Connection, The Briarpatch
Market & The Center for the Arts Box Office in Grass Valley.
Phone:
277-7100
March 5-14
Snowfest
North Tahoe's numerous resorts, and vibrant lakeside neighborhoods, there's something for everyone. Enjoy on-snow events at resorts like Squaw Valley USA, Alpine Meadows, Homewood, Diamond Peak, and Northstar-at-Tahoe; participate in special events, parades, races, parties, concerts, theater; and of course, there's plenty of wining and dining to be had at North Lake Tahoe's fine restaurants and lively establishments.
Phone: 583-7167
tahoesnowfestival.com
March 6
Peace. Love. Swap. Kid's Swap
The peace. love. swap. mission is to keep gently used baby, kid, and maternity
items out of our landfills, and to donate to local charities by hosting
fun, affordable, family friendly swaps where moms and dads can exchange
their unwanted and/or outgrown items with other local parents.How do the
swaps work? Clean out your kids' closets, and bring all your gently used
stuff that you want to get rid of! Bring as much or as little as you want
(ages 0-14) & maternity~ and
take what you want~ as much or as little as you want. Time: 8:30 - 11:30
a.m. at Gold Country Gymnastics.
Phone: 913-6848
March
6
Friends of the Library Book Sale
Held at the Doris Foley Historical Library,
211 N. Pine Street, Nevada City. Most books cost between 25¢ and $3.00,
You'll find a great selection of children's
paperback and hardback books. 9 am to 3 pm. Phone: 265-7050
friendsofthenevadacountylibraries.org
March
13
Mindful Parenting Workshop
Taught by Tulum Dothee. Topics: Developmental cycles, Birth order,
Gaining cooperation, Family Meetings, Scheduling for Success, Special Days. Cost
is $40 per person, $65 for couples. 9:00 - 3:00 p.m. at Oakhaven Montessori School.
Phone: 271-1258
oakhavenmontessori.com
Ongoing
Events & Classes
Baby & Me
Join in for songs, playtime, and discussion while getting to know other parents
and babies. Join an existing group now. Birth to 12 months. Weekday mornings
at the Grass Valley Methodist Church in downtown Grass Valley. FREE to first-time
participants, sliding scale fee up to $50 for 10 sessions for subsequent groups.
Phone: Meg 913-2745
e-mail: meg@first5nevco.org
first5nevco.org/programs.cfm
Toddler & Me
Join in for songs and playtime in a preschool setting while getting to
know other parents and toddlers. We are creating new groups now for children
12 to 36 months. Monday mornings at the T.K. McAteer Family Resource
Center in Nevada City. FREE to first-time participants, sliding scale
fee up to $50 for 10 sessions for subsequent groups.
Phone: Samie 265-0611 x223
e-mail: samie@first5nevco.org
first5nevco.org/programs.cfm
Early Pregnancy Consultation
Mention the First 5 Newsletter to receive 50% off. Now only $27.50. For
women in their first or second trimester. Consultations scheduled regularly.
Call to schedule: 477-5442
chamberlinchildbirth.com
Hope in Nevada County Food Distribution
A food distribution will be held at the Grass Valley Elks Lodge the 2nd
Monday of every month from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m. We focus on families with
young children, seniors and the disabled but we don't turn any one in need
of assistance with food away. All we require is that you sign in and take
only what you can use. We offer a wide variety of foods and have offered
such items as fresh fruits and vegetables, chicken, breads, canned goods
and staples.
Phone: 263-4753
Kinder Dance
A creative dance class foe 5-6 year olds led by Marianne Reagan on Mondays
from 3:30 to 4:15 p.m.. Skills and thrills for the little ones! Guided
movement explorations and dance fundamentals are included in this introductory
class.They will explore, discover and create with movement. Class held
at Moving Ground Studio in the St. Joseph's Cultural Center building. $10
Phone: 575-6274
Wiggles and Giggles
Wiggles and giggles is a delightful introductory dance experience led
by Marianne Reagan on Wednesdays from 10:30 to 11:15. Little ones 3-4
years old are guided to discover, explore and create with movement. Skills
and thrills await your child and space abounds. Class held
at Moving Ground Studio in the St. Joseph's Cultural Center building. $10
Phone: 575-6274
P.L.A.Y. Groups (Parenting, Learning, Activities, Year-Round)
You can participate by dropping in any time. Just take a child development activity sheet and enjoy fun activities with your child. Sierra Nevada Children's Services. For more information contact Cindy at: 272-8866 x 203
Breastfeeding Support Group
Milk and Honey Cafe
Join us Thursdays from 12:30-2:30 at In The Kitchen, 648 Zion St. Nevada
City. We are a group of mothers providing support, encouragement, resources,
education and friendship for breastfeeding mothers, babies, pregnant women
and families. A lactation consultant will be present during our weekly drop
in hours. Connect with other breastfeeding moms, learn about the benefits of
breastfeeding, find encouragement, share your joys, questions and concerns.
Tea, coffee and a snack provided. Email heatherhuntdc@gmail.com or call
(530) 414-8282 for more information or just show up - we'd love to have you
join us!
Family Music with Todd
Wees - Truckee
Children birth to 4 and their parents enjoy this freewheeling sing and
dance-along with local musician, songwriter and singer, Todd Wees. Classes
are offered on Tuesday mornings and afternoons beginning March 9. Series
of 5 classes $50.00. See Todd Weiss in action at http://www.toddwees.com/
Toddler Gym Time - Truckee
Toddlers, 1-3 years old, and their parents enjoy free play in the big gym
with an exciting array of developmental equipment. Have fun,
meet new friends and build new skills. Ongoing classes through the cold
weather months, follows the TTUSD school schedule. Wednesdays, 10-Noon.
Call 587-2513 Ext 110 or email ruth@truckeefrc.org for information.
“Baby and Me” - Truckee
These popular classes, taught by Jen Lang-Ree, Pediatric Nurse Practitioner
provide education, support, informal discussion and interactive fun for
parents and non-ambulatory infants, 3 months to 1 year old. The next
series of 7 classes begins Tues., March 16, 1-2:30pm and tuition is $84.00.
Call 587-2513 Ext 110 or email ruth@truckeefrc.org for
information.
"Loving Solutions" -
Truckee
For parents of children ages five to ten years. This 7-week series provides
education and tips to help parents build their skills through easy techniques.
Parents will gain practical and emotional support and will be able to
start using tools at home after the first session! The next series begins
Thursday, March 18, 5:30-7:30pm. Child care is available. $125 per family,
workbook and materials included. Call 587-2513 Ext 110 or
email ruth@truckeefrc.org for
information.
Looking for
Child Care?
Sierra Nevada Children's Services is our local child care resource
and
referral agency. When you go in to meet with a family support specialist,
you can ask to look through the child care referral binder, which profiles
many family and
center-based child care facilities in our community and lets you compare the early
childhood education backgrounds of the providers, hours of operation, rates,
and much more. Whether you are seeking subsidized care or just looking
for
a good match for childcare, this binder is a great new resource. SNCS is located
at 256 Buena Vista Street in Grass
Valley, and can be reached at (530) 272-8866 or sncs.org.
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