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Curbing Power Struggles with Special Daysby Tulum Dothee One of the easiest ways to empower your children is to implement special days. Special days work well because you let the calendar, as opposed to yourself, be the authority thus reducing the number of power struggles. Remember that your child must separate himself from you to become independent. This often results in power struggles. To reduce those power struggles someone has to let go of the rope and that someone is you. The sooner you let your child have a turn at being in charge, the faster he will achieve independence. Special Days give your child the opportunity to be in charge. Just as importantly Special Days also offer your child the opportunity to come to terms with others being in charge and waiting for his turn. This perspective is crucial for your child to get past the narcissistic stage where he thinks the world is all about him. He is not going to get it unless you build it into his external surroundings and schedule. Since he learns from the concrete to the abstract or from the outside in, you have to build it into his daily schedule. Here's what you need to know: Assign each child one or two special days per week to be in charge. Mom and Dad each get a special day too. Obviously Dad and Mom need to be home on their special day, so accommodate work schedules. You will have to get creative if your work schedule varies. Simply create the calendar whenever you get your schedule. Your family will soon accustom to the pattern. Mark the special days on the calendar using a unique color or photo for each person. Follow the same pattern each week. When your child asks whose special day it is, say , “Go look at the calendar.”, even if you already know. Otherwise YOU, versus the calendar, become the authority again. Not a good thing. Once you have let go of the reins you must be very firm with yourself and leave them there. For those days with no special person assignment, refer to the dog for a solution, at least it will make everyone laugh! The special day person gets to make all the decisions possible from who gets to help prepare meals to which story is read. Try and think of every little thing that the child could be in charge of, even if it appears inconsequential to you. For example at breakfast, the special day person chooses the menu. When you are driving to school, the he gets to choose the music. If you are going to watch a dvd, he chooses it. If two other family members both want the same toy, the special day person decides who gets it. Every single decision possible, he makes. Tune in next month for more special day ideas! Tulum Dothee is a credentialed and certified educator and counselor, with 30+ years experience teaching and working with families. For more information visit her website at www.asktulum.com. Gestures Related to Language DevelopmentFirst 5 Nevada County A new study shows that pointing and other natural gestures are related to language development: the more a child uses gestures to help tell you something at 14 months, the bigger their vocabulary at age four and a half. It seems that the more that parents use gestures, the more the children do. So point at objects, wave bye-bye, use your hands to show “up” and “big” and any other word you can think of as you are talking with your baby or toddler. And when your toddler points at a dog or raises her arms to be picked up, respond with your words to make the connection for her “Yes, you see a dog,” or “You want me to pick you up.” The more words a child hears and the more his parents use gesture to help convey meaning, the bigger his vocabulary will be, which will help him succeed in school. For more child development articles visit First 5 Nevada County. The Mother Saucesby Wendy Van Wagner Have you ever noticed how a cream sauce or a cheese sauce over ANYTHING
makes it appeal to kids? Bechamel sauce is the classic French white sauce, but did you know there are 4 others?? Marinara, Hollandaise, Basic Brown Sauce, Veloute, and Béchamel.......these are known as the Mother Sauces: a basic sauce that serves as a base sauce to use in making other variations of the original sauce. Initially perfected by the French, all sauces are now universally categorized into one of 5 groups of sauces serving as a base or foundation for others sauces and referred to as the Grand or Mother Sauces. By including some of these mother sauces into your kitchen repertoire, you will be able to take basic into bombastic! Here is a recipe for Bechamel Sauce. Ingredients 5 tablespoons butter In a medium saucepan, heat the butter over medium-low heat until melted. Add the flour and stir until smooth. Over medium heat, cook until the mixture turns a light, golden sandy color, about 6 to 7 minutes. Meanwhile, heat the milk in a separate pan until just about to boil. Add the hot milk to the butter mixture 1 cup at a time, whisking continuously until very smooth. Bring to a boil. Cook 10 minutes, stirring constantly, then remove from heat. Season with salt and nutmeg, and set aside until ready to use. Bechamel sauce is great served over any cooked green vegetable—especially broccoli, asparagus, and artichokes. Wendy Van Wagner is the owner
of local cooking school IN THE KITCHEN in Nevada City, Becoming a Fatherby Laurie Chamberlin, CD, ICCE, LE Do you know him? Tall, strong deep voice, amazing presence and a great person to know, especially if you are becoming a father. His name is Belden Johnson MFT, and I want to share him with you. He has two grown children now and more time on his hands to share gems of experience from a man’s perspective on fatherhood. He’s on my mind today as I read something he wrote for fathers called, “Congratulations, You Are About to Become a Father’. A short, six point missive I think you will enjoy. I like what Belden has to say, and I want fathers all over to be receivers of his wisdom. So please, share this with the men in your lives. Follow the above link or you can find it in the articles tab of my website at www.lauriechamberlin.com Laurie Chamberlin, CD, ICCE, LE teaches childbirth preparation classes, lactation classes and is a prenatal counselor serving the Grass Valley/Nevada City/Auburn area. For more information contact: www.lauriechamberlin.com | lauriechamberlin@comcast.net or call 477-5442 My Child is Telling Lies!by Gayle Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD QUESTION: My five-year-old son has started lying -- when the truth would work just fine! He has also started bringing home toys from school and saying that our next door neighbor gave them to him. We have not been harsh with him in the past, but he doesn't seem to get it. What is the best way to stop this behavior? ANSWER: It is not unusual for children to experiment with lying at some point in their development. Children test limits at various times throughout childhood, in order to clarify boundaries and consequences. Five years of age is a common period for this kind of reality testing. Use your son's behavior as an opportunity to reinforce good character and clarify values. The following guidelines can help you: Teach your child the value of honesty by giving appropriate consequences. Keep in mind that your job is to teach, not to punish, but do not stop there! Help your child take action to repair the lie. For example: Return items taken/stolen to their proper owner. Accompany your son to his school to return toys taken. Support your son to verbalize his mistake and apologize for his actions. This reparative action may be all the consequence needed. Do not reward lying by ignoring it. Allowing your child to "get his way," or engaging him in endless angry interactions about the lie won't accomplish your goal. Instead, set limits and matter-of-factly enforce them when necessary. For example: Tell your son that you are interested in knowing if something is bothering him about brushing his teeth, but that lying is not an answer to whatever problem he may be having. Let him know you will help him if he tells you what is really going on, but require that he brush his teeth in your presence. Do not berate or label your child negatively. Instead, make statements that communicate a belief in your child's overall goodness, but label the behavior. Align yourself with your child, and against the detrimental behavior. For example: "I know you are not a liar. What is stopping you from telling the truth?" Or: "You are not a thief. Why did you take what was not yours?" Create a safe family environment. This will allow for expression of a full range of feelings, however unpopular they may be. Children can then separate feelings from actions that are damaging. For example: If your son feels it is safe to express anger or sadness directly to you, he is less likely to cloak it in misbehavior or lies. Let your child know that we are all tempted to take short cuts at times. Then point out the damaging effects that lying can have on relationships and self-esteem. For example: "Sometimes telling a lie or taking something that is not yours seems easy, but in the long run the consequences of this behavior causes others to distrust you. You end up feeling badly about yourself, too." The suggestions above are usually all that is required to help your child correct their course and restore honesty and healthy self-respect in the process. However, other motivations, when present, may complicate the picture and are worth noting. Consider whether your child may be misbehaving in an attempt to get attention, albeit negative attention from you. All children need to feel special in some way. A child who does not feel their own unique and positive value may revert to stealing and lying as compensation. Remember, too, that our children learn patterns of coping and behavior from those around them. Is your child modeling behavior that he sees adults do? Sometimes our children's behavior points to weaknesses in character, which we have overlooked in our own families. If your son notices that his dad or mom avoids conflict in the marriage through white lies, for example, a child may try this behavior out himself. In such cases, a husband or wife believes their behavior to be benign, such as telling a spouse you are late because of traffic, rather than that time was taken to visit a friend or run your own errand. If lying and stealing are patterns of behavior that persist, consider what the emotional meaning of this behavior is for your child. Seek to guide your child and correct your own behavior, if necessary. After all, we are all continually growing up. Gayle Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD is a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development. Visit her website at www.makinghealthyfamilies.com |
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