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Superheroes and Princessesby Lindsay Dunckel, This time of year, most kids get the gimmies. And if you live with a three- to five-year-old, chances are pretty good that some of those “I wanna” statements revolve around one of two things: princesses or superheroes (or Star Wars, or Ninjas, or Transformers, or whatever the boy-toy of the moment is). Most of us adults worry at one point or another that our preschoolers’ obsessions with such gender-stereotyped characters might not be healthy. Should we try to change our children’s interests? Should we give them that stuff for the holidays? The princess/superhero dilemma is one parents have wrestled with for a long time. I was convinced about the power of these stereotyped images when my son, then three, transformed. Although we hadn’t let him see much television or video about superheroes and such, he knew all about them just from living in this culture. It was amazing. When asked what he was going to be for Halloween, he’d reply “A Power Ranger” – those being the macho characters of the day. He had no idea what a Power Ranger really was, except that it was male and powerful. The natural follow-up question from adults was “Which color?” Hedging his bets (he didn’t know what colors Power Rangers came in), my son answered “Rainbow.” That would cover it. Out of this was born “Super Rainbow,” who emerged in drawings and then in costume: a silky red cape with a rainbow ribbon to tie it; light blue long johns with rainbow ribbon stripes down the legs and a big, rainbow “S” on the chest; and a little red mask. Super Rainbow was a constant in my life for about two years. And, yes, he had magical powers and was not to be messed with. On the other side of gender stereotypes, it isn’t surprising these days to see a preschool girl decked out in full princess regalia any day of the week; this is mostly because Disney recognized a goldmine a few years ago and packaged their princesses in new ways, now adding up to 25,000 different “princess” products which generate over $4 billion a year (up from just $300,000 in 2000). That explains some of the “princess” mania we see in the young set, but not all of it. What was the impulse that Disney recognized and drew upon? It’s the same thing that called my son to become Super Rainbow. Little Belles and Ariels are everywhere. Why are preschoolers so interested in these characters? There are several developmental reasons that come together at this age and can add up to a powerful obsession with all things princess or superhero. First, by three years, children develop a “gender identity” – that is, they can tell you whether they are a girl or a boy and they begin to identify that way. Though they still aren’t sure that a boy can’t grow up to be a mommy, they start acting in ways that they’ve identified as being “boyish” or “girlish.” And the messages about that are everywhere in our culture. If you carry it out as far as it can go, you get the gender stereotypes. Second, at around this age, children begin to think more flexibly. They can imagine things beyond the here and now; they can talk about the past and the future, and they can also make things up. They are all set to use those new powers to play pretend – and dressing up is a big part of that. Third, these new powers of thought open the world to preschoolers. Now they can think about some big ideas: what happens when you die? Am I a good person? What is fair? They are capable of understanding that the world is a pretty big place and they are pretty small: a scary concept. Acting out being powerful feels good when you are feeling just the opposite. Believing in magic and magical powers adds to that. And playing a character while you explore big ideas makes it a little safer – it’s not “me,” it’s my character (who’s dying or getting married or fighting bad guys). Put this all together - a growing gender identity, and ability to pretend, an exploration of big ideas and an interest in power - and what do you get? For girls, a princess obsession – they are so very girly, so in control, and often surrounded by magic. For boys, an interest in superheroes or other powerful male characters. And, it should be noted, because gender identity is just beginning and playing things out is how children learn, boys often explore the princess world and girls explore the superhero world – trying out the opposite gender roles is a perfectly normal part of figuring out who you are and what gender means. So most of us parents are stuck with this part of development and cannot escape it, but we can guide it. What your child is exposed to will shape his or her play – so limit TV and movies that push stereotypes of things you don’t like. Look for books about real heroes and share with your child what you admire about them. Look for stories, like “The Paper Bag Princess,” that turn the rescued-by-a-man tales around. Communicate your values and they will grow in your child, right along with that identity they are working so hard on right now. And if they REALLY want some girly thing or some macho thing this holiday that clashes with your values, it can come from Santa or Grandma. That lets you off the hook and lets your child fully explore this part of development. And it does end. I even miss Super Rainbow sometimes. For more information about First 5 Nevada County go to: www.first5nevco.org or call (530) 265-0611 x 223. Mandarin Orange Nut Cakeby Carol White This is a delicious, chewy cake, packed with whole wheat flour, fruit,
and nuts. Trust me, even the pickiest toddler will enjoy it. Ingredients
Directions Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Mix together, don’t over beat.
Pour into a lightly greased glass pan. Cook for 30-35 minutes until a
toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Delicious alone or served
with fresh whipped cream. Surrendering the blankie: should parents insist?by Gayle Peterson, LCSW, PhD QUESTION: I have a two-year-old daughter. She carries her security blanket everywhere she goes. We have tried encouragement, bribes and everything we can think of to get her to give up her "blankie." What can we do? ANSWER: Security blankets, pacifiers, and favorite toy animals or dolls all serve as "transitional" objects for your toddler. The nature of these objects is to aid your two year old in becoming increasingly independent. The security blanket, literally, helps your daughter MAKE the transition towards greater independence. Do not rush this important process. It is not only a positive adaptation, but taking away the "blankie" prematurely may set your child back in terms of developing self-reliance. Think a bit deeper about why you are so intent on wrestling this object of comfort from her, rather than waiting for her to relinquish it when she is ready. Does it embarrass you? Do you believe that it is a sign of "weakness" to show dependency in this way? If so, you are not alone. Our society is heavily saturated with over-valuing independence and even shaming us for having any dependency needs at all. In fact, this over emphasis on autonomy is at the heart of substance abuse (dependency on alcohol and drugs for self-soothing) which is so rampant for both teens and adults in our culture. Your two year old is practicing independence by clinging to a comfort object, instead of you. This allows her to internalize the security she would ordinarily get from holding onto a parent figure. This is an age of great conflict, as a child both wants to develop independence, but very much needs to fall back on parents to be sure they are still there. Give her the time she needs to adapt to this transition by allowing her the security blanket she needs as a bridge to establishing an inner sense of security. Children need concrete objects to symbolize this process. They cannot think abstractly, but must experience objects as a replacement for parent presence. Your child's 'blankie" helps her soothe herself. This is a very necessary process. And cutting this process short, can spell trouble! Taking your child's "blankie" away will only frustrate her dependency needs, and could lead to other unacceptable adaptations, such as thumb sucking. The danger also exists that not allowing her the transitional comfort object will leave her with unresolved anxiety, which will go underground. She may become more withdrawn, unable to take appropriate risks, and so less likely to pursue her interests. Your daughter needs to explore the world and she needs her "blankie" (or some other transitional object) to be comfortable doing so. Do not frustrate her in her need for this security. She will let go of this dependency as it becomes internalized, likely within the next year or sooner. Her "blankie" will indeed become superfluous as her confidence develops. Rest assured that indulging her dependency needs now is your greatest insurance that she will become independent later! Gayle Peterson, LCSW, PhD practices in Nevada City. She is a member of BEPE (Birth and Early Parenting Educators). She can be reached for appointments at (530) 346-2534. Visit her web site: www.MakingHealthyFamilies.com for information and discussing this topic on Dr. Gayle’s facebook page for empowering parents. Tis the Season...To be Mindful: Stick with the Classicsby Tulum Dothee, I love the holidays. The lights, decorations, music, food and the sappy movies. Everything is over the top. Brighter, bigger, better, sappier. The lure to indulge in excess is everywhere. It's so seductive for young and old. Historically the excess made sense—create a festival of light and feasting to brighten up the dark of winter and fatten up for lean times to come. How do we balance all the fun and festivities around the holidays and remain mindful? The key is in the question: Balance. Balance the fun, the outings, the food, the presents, the excess. As the saying goes: “All things in moderation.” The first area that comes to mind in regards to your children is the gifts. A large number of you have shared that at some point, you figured out that your parents were trying to buy your love with material goods. Not only around the holidays, you tell me, but also around guilt, making up for something like a fight or a broken promise, or to compensate for an event, like the birth of a sibling. Your awakening has taken anywhere from five to 25 years. Yes, it is a big span. Consider it a message to sit up and pay attention to the messages you might be sending when you over gift. If you decide to go with quality rather than quantity, stick with the classics. In my experience it is the tried and true interactive toy, usually wooden, which the child can do alone, that will maintain the most interest over the years. I think of these types of toys as brain food. They develop hand eye coordination, concentration, problem solving, balance and fun for body, mind and soul. Let’s take a peek at the proven winners in my 39 years in this field: BABIES TODDLERS 4 YEAR OLDS Hand Held Labyrinth. Tracing the labyrinth path is calming and comforting You can find these at For Small Hands. 6 YEARS TO ADULT Labyrinth. This classic pairs dexterity and concentration as you turn knobs to tilt the board, trying to get the steel ball through the maze. You can find these at Mountain Pastimes in Nevada City. Stilts and Balance Boards are great too. I love the Balance Board. This toy has been around since 1940 and is great for balance and coordination and just plain good times for ages 6 to adult. There, shopping all done. Consider giving your favorite company’s catalog to grandparents to choose a gift for the kids. Notice the singular: A Gift. Now, I hope you all got the memo that Santa delivers only one toy to each child, and a stocking of little goodies. After all he is a busy guy and has a lot of children waiting. These treats usually appear on Christmas morning. In fact wise parents encourage their children to get up and open those stockings on their own. Why? To encourage the kind of interaction and delight a discovery made on one’s own delivers, and as an extra bonus, to buy you a few moments to snooze or enjoy a cup of coffee in peace. Some of you share that you enjoy the mad, messy dash of ripping all those gifts open, tossing each aside to get to the next. Me, I’m always thinking of the long term effects: Disrespect for the item and gluttony, “Is that all?” Ever see that glazed over crazed look they get in their eyes, and that frenzy of herky jerky activity? No thanks. Interestingly some of the very same of you ask “When will my child become appreciative?” Appreciation is learned. Translation: You have to train them to become appreciative by modeling it yourself and creating limits and boundaries. Do this from how many toys your child has out at a time (and rotating those), to how many gifts are received, and even to how many pieces of paper are available to scribble. It’s a direct line of cause and effect. You also must make sure that you show appreciation for generosity, in both goods and kindness, when it comes your way. And please, teach your children to write thank you notes. Do it with them until they are old enough to do it on their own. I love the tradition of spacing out gifts over a designated period of time. Establish a family ritual of giving one gift per night for a set number of nights, as in the Chanukah tradition. For example observe the gift exchange from Christmas Eve until New Years Eve. Create a ceremony: Light candles, say prayers, sing songs. Pass them out and open one at a time. As the gift is exchanged express gratitude. This gives everyone the luxury of time and space to truly enjoy each gift. I recommend that children clear out old toys and gently used clothing to donate to those less fortunate, to learn to let go of things they’ve outgrown and to make room for the new stuff. Adopt a needy family and supply their Christmas, from gifts to the feast. This can be a great extended family project. Have the children make gifts for their Grandparents, teachers and a few close friends, rather than buying something. Lastly my annual holiday parting thoughts: A Child’s Perfect Christmas If a child were allowed only four Christmas gifts, could there be any more valuable than these?
Happy Holidays! Tulum Dothee is a credentialed and certified educator and counselor, with 30+ years experience teaching and working with families. For more information visit her web site at www.oakhavenmontessori.com. Where to Find Classic Toys BETTY'S TOY BOX THE EARTH STORE, NC FOOTHILL MERCANTILE FUTURE GENERATIONS MOUNTAIN PASTIMES BACK TO BASIC TOYS FOR SMALL HANDS |
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